I know everyone and their moms love to post those long sappy posts about what they learned by the end of the year, etc., but historically I tend to avoid that. Maybe because I don’t reflect hard enough on my lessons or maybe I just don’t want to sound self-important. But, this year was fucking crazy. First of all, it wasn’t a good or bad crazy… It was like mentally ill crazy. And I think I actually have some things to say about it. I want to expose myself to being perceived as an exercise in vulnerability. It helps me not care.
Three and a half years of a relationship came to an end. It was a relationship I loved and cherished and spent so much of myself shifting and changing in order to fit into. It’s a strange thing when the person you love so dearly, and would do almost anything for, becomes a shoe box sized vessel that you confine yourself to. I found myself in the midst of an identity crisis every other day. I didn’t know who I was and I had lost any semblance of wisdom in relation to who I wanted to be. I had nurtured a dynamic with this truly beautiful person that was ultimately self-sacrificing. But the truth is that being a martyr is a choice. I chose to shrink myself in order to fit into this other person’s life and now I am rebuilding the feeling of knowing. Of knowing who I would like to be, knowing why I am the way that I am, and knowing where my faults lie.
Letting go of victimhood is imperative for transformational growth. As much as I love to drown in a pity party from time to time, I had to accept that at 27 years old- this was the life I had created. All of the constraints, all of the emptiness, all of the burning desire for validation. I made a burrow of my life and chose to live in it.
I spent the majority of this year trying to convince myself into knowing self worth. And honestly, it actually worked for the most part. There was nothing more terrifying to me than dissolving a future I had created with someone in order to find out if I deserved more. I had to trust that I could be the type of person who deserves something Good. And although I think it will take me some time to find that Good, I know I can be that person. I can be the person who is deserving of love, validation, UNDERSTANDING. More than anything, this year I learned what love means to me. Love is being understood. Love is being known. Love is being radically accepted for the piece of absolute shit that you are sometimes. Love is knowing. All I have ever really wanted is to be known.
With a newfound definition for what I knew I was seeking, and what I knew I had to leave behind, I had to go out into the world again. Raw, confused, incomplete, and chemically imbalanced. It was terrifying. I moved out of the home we had created together and left so much of what I knew was comfort. Home is another thing I had to figure out the meaning of. I can say that I think no matter where I go, I am my home. Or at least I’m working on it.
Starting meds for the first time in my life was unreal. I remember this summer feeling like my brain was able to rest. That I was experiencing what people are SUPPOSED to feel. And that was truthfully extremely mind-blowing. I had no idea just how much of my neuroses were not a normal part of the chemically balanced human experience. I remember the first time I knew my meds were working was when I decided to go for a walk one day and just went. It wasn’t until I was half a block from home had I realized that I was never able to decide to do something and then immediately take action. Before I was medicated I would have had at least a 2 hour buffer period in anxiety freeze mode before I forced myself to leave the house. I think mental health might actually be real now.
Summer was chaotic and beautiful and freeing and kind of freaky. I was trying to figure out what I wanted out of life and relationships. I had a brief fling with a British actor and he was an angel. We had several late nights on his stoop chain smoking cigarettes and trying to manifest a sighting of the skunk that lived in his courtyard. He was kind, super intelligent, and so fun. There was a sense of non judgement that emanated from him which I really appreciated. He ended up moving back to London and we inevitably fizzled. But he helped me feel pretty again, and worthy of pursuing. So thanks for that, G.
I ended up mostly dating women this year and it felt very complete. I am feeling unsure about my sexuality in terms of Bisexuality & Lesbianism, but I’m trying not to put too much stock into a label and accept that I am capable of discovering new things about myself. And I have loved men in the past, but there were experiences and feelings I had with women this year that made me feel colorblind with men where I felt technicolor with women. Not every single thing needs to be unpacked but I am trying to understand that more. Comphet is certainly a thing, in case anyone needed my stamp of approval on the subject.
I had some other situations with some amazing people this Summer and they all helped me piece together remnants of who I remembered being. I actually didn’t really have any bad experiences with dating, and I was treated so well by everyone I spent time with. I’m really lucky the Universe let me catch a break like that.
Beyond dating, I felt excitement about my career again. I started making songs that I would have been scared to make in the past. I started singing for real. I stopped holding myself back in the way that I create music. It is such an incredibly beautiful thing to truly be who you most authentically are when you’re making art. Every time you think you’re being the realest version of yourself, you reach a new depth that’s like wait, this is actually me.
It’s odd that such an eventful year full of so much loss and hardship ended up feeling really Fine. I could almost say it was a really good year. I have no idea how all of the depressing things that took place this year turned into a fond memory for me. But, I feel like I needed this year to happen. I needed destruction to bring me a new life, a new identity. I learned a lot about what it means to be a good person. Goodness lies in choice. It is a choice to become something you don’t know even when it feels like ripping off a scab way too soon. It’s a choice to break your own heart into a million pieces to be able to get a love letter in the mail. It’s a choice to leave a beautiful home you had to not feel alone. Everything is a choice. I don’t really know who I want to be, because I leave space for that idea to change. But I know I want to be good. I want to keep choosing to become better. I want to keep choosing the hardest possible path if that’s the trail that leads me to fulfillment. I want to be the type of person who chooses goodness when it hurts, when it’s scary, and when I don’t think I deserve it.
I don’t really have any resolutions for 2025. I just want to live and experience. I want to stay curious and passionate, and a little bit fucking crazy. I want to lean into not being liked for the sake of authenticity. I want love- in all forms. I want fun. I want good health. I want to create. And I want and want and want and want. It feels really good to want. I’m going to keep letting myself want.
-b
almondmilkhunni 